Letting go of Asana.

Everything in our practice has prepared us for this moment.

Sharing these words with you has proven to be an extremely challenging task as the owner/vision holder of Asana. I say this because it’s the only time I will be writing about how we got to here.

I’ve been lying in bed for months thinking of how I would articulate my thoughts and heart to capture what needs to be shared. Truthfully, the most heart wrenching moment was not this post, but when I sent out an email that Asana Studio was permanently closing. Let me take you back.

We brought our son into the world at the start of 2020. I did a horrible job of honoring my maternity leave, partly because Asana was my first baby, partly because I couldn’t fathom not being connected to all of you for weeks and I love what I did. At the beginning of March I promised the amazing people who surrounded me that I would truly be taking a break until April. And then……effing Covid rocked our worlds.

At first it was doing my due diligence as a business owner to try to keep the teachers and students safe. We brought in copious amounts of sanitizer and removed props. Bri, Jill and Sarah were the incredible goddesses they are on the ground handling things in person for me, as I was trying to hold everything together from behind the scenes. For a business owner, Covid was/is terrifying! Everything was changing at a speed that is challenging to keep up with and then add a newborn.

As quickly as we shut our doors I transferred classes online. This took hours of research and negotiating to find sane sustainable options. I chose Union.fit because they were a startup that was robust and able to accommodate our large schedule. I worked with teachers to find out who was interested in moving online, built our website from the ground up and was up and running in a week. It was complete madness. I was hoping to catch my breath, but then I learned my role as owner completely changed to owner/producer.

For every class I had to be behind the scenes to make sure every teacher had functioning wifi, sound and the classes were successful. This means I was up with my new baby at the crack of dawn not just to feed him, but to make sure Heather’s sweet early morning classes were running smoothly. So from 5am to roughly 8:30pm I was the Wizard of Ozana behind the scenes desperately holding it all together seven days a week. This is in addition to applying for every loan and finding ways to keep things going.

Many of you were excited and many were upset because it wasn’t Zoom, where we could see one another. I quickly learned how unhappy yogis can get during a pandemic. (The reason that I steered away from Zoom was due to legal and logistical reasons.) It was a lot.

Hats off to anyone who has ever owned a business! If you have not, no worries but perhaps try to be a teeny bit more patient because you truly have NO idea what it is like to have everything on the line AND during a pandemic. While our doors were closed and we were beyond blessed to have the majority of our members retain their memberships, I was still hemorrhaging money each day. I ran an extremely successful and well-tuned business, so I was able to breathe into the bleed. I received many wonderful extra donations, was granted the PPP loan, local City of Arvada loans and had several members just keep paying. To be frank, if anyone asks me if I received any loans post having to close, I’m BEYOND OFFENDED. Of course I did. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO STAY OPEN!

Once I realized that things were looking dire for the yoga industry I entertained the idea of selling. This was a painful decision made after watching some of the most respectable yoga studios closing and crumbling around us. I was also doing my best to navigate and support a shift that was happening to a majority of the teachers as they navigated their own journeys through Covid. I just did not have any more energy to fight while trying to raise a sweet little yogi. I was so sick, stressed and overwhelmed with everything. I was dealing with people “charging back” (which means they have their financial institution take money out of my account) because they said they did not receive services, ridiculing me for not trying to be open with seven students, chastising me for not doing enough and not saying enough on social media during a time when the world was not only upside down due to Covid, but also rocked by a race awakening. Seriously, what the F people? I’m the owner of a yoga studio, not the president of the United States of Asana. It tested me in every way.

Where there is darkness there is Light. I’m eternally grateful to each of you who supported Asana and shared your love until the end. Your Light throughout the years fills my heart with an abundance of gratitude, your messages in the end continue to inspire me and I’m humbled by the honor it was to be the vision holder/owner of our amazing yoga family/community. It was this Light that kept me going, but it also felt dim at times with many negative experiences changing the taste in my mouth.

I let the Asana staff family know and they put out feelers that I was selling. Luckily, that information spread like wildfire. To make this part of my story short, here is what happened. I had a plethora of “interested buyers” and a few potential buyers. Several of the buyers were so serious that we were about to sign on dotted lines. Many of them low balled me in ways taking advantage of an already terrible situation that you wouldn’t even think of as yogis. A few were trying so hard, but just couldn’t make it work due to the risk or financing. I was so desperate to keep Asana open that I was trying creative ways and was even willing to give the business away if someone would buy the building. I dealt with this rollercoaster of crazy trying to sell from the summer until November 2020. There is not enough yoga in the world to spare me from not having this deeply affect my soul.

I’m forever grateful to so many amazing beings who continued to support me emotionally. I have a teacher who reminded me of what is truly important and my awesome family kept loving me and lifting me even when I felt I was at my worst.

I ended up throwing in the towel, yet always remaining hopeful and put the building on the market. This took months of dealing with more crazy. Somehow I had people directly contacting me and even “punking” me about their interest. It was something else. I still had people reaching out and wondering what they could do to keep things going. Another process of potential buyers came through, but luckily I had a great real estate team to deal with this part of the ride.

I had two strong buyers, one being a business I knew and loved. Unfortunately, they dragged their feet and the lovely Keller Williams beat them to it by making an offer that would finally bring closure. Several months and stress later, I was preparing for a final goodbye and we closed in January of 2021.

In the meantime, we held our Farewell Ceremony at the studio in August. That day will forever be one of the most challenging days in my life. First, we all wore masks so I couldn’t see all of your faces. Second, I couldn’t hold you and hug you when you were sharing your tears and how much Asana meant to you. I’m crying right now as I share these words. The most beautiful part was seeing our community gather with a line around the building for hours that day. I’m getting goosebumps thinking of the beauty of all of the flowers, gifts and love that was left at the altar.

After the Farewell Ceremony I had to clean out Asana. Now if you didn’t know, we had a basement. Anyone who does know, knows we did not love going down there. Ha! Luckily, my husband and family helped me remove everything. Sigh. As much as I wanted to use the next few weeks to meditate and practice in the space, I could barely stomach the thought.

On the last day of ownership prior to closing I went in my finest Asana attire, opened the doors and windows and practiced 108 Sun Salutations to music that connected us over the years. I sat in each corner embracing gratitude for every student, teacher and soul who had breathed there. I practiced in every corner to embrace every student’s perspective with each practice. I sat at the altar and reveled in the love and talent Adi Luna created with her mandala masterpiece. I bowed to every version of me that had been touched by Asana as a student, teacher and owner. I bowed to every teacher. I bowed to Susan and Duane Larson. I balled my eyes out and bowed in full prostration at the altar for one last time.

I put on the version of Lokah from Lisbeth Scott that I often played during Savasana and it ended by the time I bowed to every square foot that was Asana Studio.

Our practice has prepared us to let go. Each breath, Asana, meditation, mantra and intention supports us to live in the present accepting that everything is temporary. With each inhale and exhale we let go.

During the most mixed year of my life with the blessing of my son and the hell that is Covid I have diligently been practicing non-attachment and letting go. I have exhaled through the Stages of Grief and sometimes find myself revisiting them. I have invited more compassion, grace, patience and lovingkindness into my heart and onto my mat. My practice that has been cultivated by dedication and exploration in addition to some of the most incredible teachers and beings has brought me to this place. Being here right now. To breathe into the fact that Asana Studio is a community/yoga family - not a building. A building can be sold or destroyed, but a community can survive. That truth brings me hope. The memories bring me so much joy and gratitude. Knowing the future will be whatever it is supposed to be brings me comfort. The present moment excites me because it is everything.

I hope you have been breathing while reading as I know this has been long. :) My intention is that by sharing this that I set myself free as another part of closure. My intention is that I honor my calling. I learned while in Portland that I was called to be the vision holder for a community, as told to me by a Mayan healer. I’m now called by the universe to be a mother. My son and daughter are my greatest teachers. It is an honor to follow this calling as I know it will create the most inspiration, growth, healing, Peace, Light and Love I can offer the world! I share this as I feel my sweet lil yogi kicking from within.

I do not miss being a business owner. I miss you, teaching, gathering, connecting, healing, transformation, hugging, crying together, holding space and loving Together. Of course it warms my heart to hear from you or if lucky to see you in person. Most often people want to share with me how devastated they are for our loss of Asana. Trust me, I know. I get the question: will I open another studio? Not any time soon or ever. Take comfort in knowing that we will be Together again. It will look and feel different, but it will be what we make of it.

My wish for you is that you thrive in the present and hold all of the teachings, memories, Light and Love in your heart as you find Peace letting go of Asana.

*Thank you for your time. These are the words shared from my heart and with a very pregnant brain. There is more, but this is all for now.